required reading

Here are ten tips to help you survive the spirit world, if you happen to be living currently under the reign of Queen Victoria.

1. If you find a house for rent at a surprisingly good monthly rate it is not advisable to take up residence in it. This is especially true if many people hint to you that it might have something spooky about it.

2. If someone uses a phrase 'I'll do it even if it kills me!', or 'Not even death would stop me being there!', perhaps try to persuade them that under these circumstances you would rather they rest in peace.

3. If it is Christmastime and you are visiting your extended family, and if you happen to hear of a curse which frequently afflicts the sons of your extended family (let's say that they are your cousins) so that they often die in freak accidents such as breaking their backs whilst out hunting in the Winter, and if you are lodged in an old part of their house and happen to look out of the window at the disused stables one evening, and happen to see a hunting party using these disused stables, which are incidentally all locked up so that no one could get in them, and if your cousin plans to go hunting the very next day, he might thank you for dissuading him from this course of action.

4. If you encounter a spectre, you might want to try speaking to it. Or you might not.

5. If you are a murderer, your chances of experiencing disturbances caused by vengeful ghosts are significantly higher than for the general population. Try not to be a murderer.

6. Try not to get sleepy so that you need to take a nap in the haunted room you are afraid of sleeping in because you think that if you sleep in it you might die. It would be better to go to a hotel, or sleep on a park bench.

7. Learn to recognize ghosts - if you can see a figure that no one else can, this is your first clue.

8. Your second clue to recognizing ghosts - if they look like someone you murdered or someone who died the day of/day before their wedding then you may want to throw off your thoroughly healthy scepticism about the spirit world.

9. Consider spending winters in sunnier climes, such as the Costa del Sol, Tuscany, or Madeira depending on your social status and whether or not you are my parents. Avoid Newfoundland; I hear it's very foggy.

10. Try not to travel there by boat. Or horse and carriage. Or train.